If you have been reading along, you probably have a good level of understanding about the concept of boundaries may even know the answer to this question:
How do you develop boundaries?
(Remember Dorothy in the “Wizard of Oz“? The answer is just as it was for her red slippers.)
You’ve always had them — You just need to use them!
You are a whole, complete individual. You have no missing pieces. The boundaries that will contain, sustain, and protect your-“self” have been available to you all the time. The fundamental task at hand is to reclaim them. Sometimes this is called setting your boundaries. First though, you have to own them before you can set them.
Healing the “wounded” parts of your self must happen. The issues from childhood require correction and re-recording. Without doing this deeper level of “RE – COVERING” work, your boundaries won’t be at full strength. Just as when you were a child, “bullies” (those you perceive, or give power to be in authority) will be able to overpower you.
Boundary-setting always takes one’s own needs into account and relies on honest and direct communication, (rather than manipulation and clairvoyance).
| As a child, you were a victim of those you loved.
As an adult, you don’t have to be!
|Once on a healing journey, claiming and setting your boundaries will become almost second nature. You will reclaim the lost self and learn to love your – self.
Loving yourself does not mean becoming a self-centered, narcissistic person who doesn’t care about anyone or anything besides themselves.
Loving yourself means you develop a sincere and realistic opinion of, love for, concern about, and acceptance of yourself. Everything you were supposed to have been given as a child!
Here’s a simple and effective exercise that can help
|Stand in front of your bathroom mirror.
Look directly at the person you see.
Make eye contact.
In a calm, easy tone,
“I LOVE YOU”
Don’t think the words,
Keep doing this at least once a day.
Notice that your mind will think things like,
Don’t let this stop you. Ignore the thoughts;
A day will come. You’ll look in the mirror.
“I LOVE YOU.”
Your mind’s only thought will be: “Yes I do.”
“Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem, in love.” 1
You don’t stop caring about others, You stop caring for them.
You start caring about and for your – “self”.
Detachment allows you to be you – not what others want or need you to be for them. You are a separate being; an individual. You are lovable, and you are truly unique. In all of recorded history, there never has been another person just like you. This is not something that is earned. It is something that JUST IS!
Detaching happens in the present and the past. Release from the past means forgiving others. In the present it means forgiving yourself as well as others. Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is choosing to not hold anything “against” someone. It is releasing the resentments that bind you in judgement.
Codependence recovery is a journey that you will travel along for a while. It will eventually merge with the bigger journey of life itself. Laughingly you will refer to yourself as a, “recovered” Codependent.
Learn and own what happened to you as a child and adolescent. Reclaim your-self and heal any wounds. Learn to cherish your child within. Claim and use your boundaries to maintain and sustain. Don’t attach to people, connect with them.
Love yourself — and others.
Be at Peace!
5 Characteristics of a
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Unlike rules (with punishments or negative consequences), boundaries are characterized by the following:
Boundaries are clear, specific and clearly communicated. They work best when you have the students’ attention, when they understands what you’re requesting, when the positive outcome of their cooperation is clear and when specific requirements, conditions or time factors are spelled out. For example, “I’ll read for the last 10 minutes of class as long as you’re quiet and your work is done.”
Boundaries respect and consider the needs of everyone involved. They attempt to create ways for both you and your students to get what you want. For example, “¥ou can take another library book home as soon as you return the ones you borrowed last week,” or “I want to hear about this problem. I’ll be free to give you my full attention as soon as I give the reading group their assignments.”
Boundaries work to prevent problems and are typically expressed before a problem occurs or before it is allowed to continue (or get worse). For example, “You can use this equipment as soon as you can demonstrate how to use it correctly.” “Let’s stay quiet in the hall so we don’t disturb any of the other classes.”
The most effective boundaries typically focus on the positive outcomes of cooperation. They are also expressed positively, as promises rather than threats or simply as information (with the implication that the positive outcome is available, for example, until a certain time or under certain conditions). For example, “If you do your homework 10 days in a row, you can have the 11’th day off (or do for extra credit),” or “The art center closes at 2:00.”
Follow through—allowing a positive consequence to occur only when the child does what you’ve asked—is what communicates that you mean what you say and you say what you mean. It increases the likelihood that your students will take you seriously when you ask for what you want, and it improves the chances that they will cooperate as well (if it’s really the only way they can get what they want).**
*Boundaries are tools for building cooperation in relationships, for letting others know what you want and for letting them know which options are available to them (for getting what they want). Set boundaries when you want behaviors to change and wish to avoid negative, stressful behaviors such as nagging, yelling, threatening or punishing to get what you want. Whether you use boundaries in relationships with children or other adults, the characteristics of boundaries and dynamics of boundary setting are the same.
**Boundaries allow you to follow through without even getting angry! Follow through works wonders, but it requires patience, faith, consistency and courage!