I want to share a simple little view I have of boundaries with you.
1. What we think
2. What we feel
3. What we do
4. What we say
1. What they think
2. What they feel
3. What they do
4. What they say
Don’t get these crossed and you’ll maintain your individual identity and peace.
Love,
NL
How far out of the relationship with the narc are you?
How many months of clarity do you have under your belt?
Congratulations! You must be feeling on balance, a great deal of peace and freedom!
Why are these experiences with Narcs so devastating and different from our more normal relationships? Do you think you could ever compare your former (normal) relationships to the one with Narc?
I can’t. I’ve made sure to go back and thank my former loves for being ‘NORMAL’. My breakups were not necessarily easy as cake; there was grieving and sadness and changes in routine, but NEVER the murderous hate and fear of evil I had in my heart after the Narc. There are two things I stated that were never said in the previous relationships as I did in the aftermath of healing from the N relationship:
1. I wanted bad things to happen to narc; really bad things. Not things I would do to him, but things I knew he would do to himself. He’s a pathetic failure when it comes to learning and growing from his own screw ups. It’s only a matter of time before I’ll have the opportunity to not only spit on his grave but laugh over it too. LOUDLY.
2. I’ve always wanted things to end well with my former loves; you know, as in one day be friends and take what was good in our relationship and value it. I like keeping my kharma clean. I like not burning bridges. I’ve lost too many important people in my life to untimely deaths that I value being able to say, “We’ve made our peace.” Not with the crazy Narc! I can honestly say, I NEVER want to speak to narc again and I do mean, he dies before there’s been any peace. He doesn’t deserve it. I feel best in this situation knowing that I’ll one day be going to heaven and he’ll be returning from whence he came, without 1 more word from me.
Harsh? ABSOLUTELY.
Here’s what I’ve learned about being able to not NEED that resolution with narc:
FORGIVENESS and LETTING GO are something we do for ourselves. We can heal and arrive at a place or resolution on our own. We don’t need narc to do it for us or with us. You know why? THEY NEVER WOULD ANYWAY. Don’t we KNOW this? Deep in our hearts, we know these psycopaths are incapable of ever really coming to us, and saying:
“Listen, I understand. I am disordered. I wreaked havoc in your life. I messed with your mind for my own selfishness. I am broken. Will you forgive me? I hope you move on and meet someone that treats you much better than I ever would have been capable”
Accepting the reality that the Narc is forever and irreparably broken FREES us. Frees us to not expect anything and finally not want anything; furthermore, never allowing a foot in, when the Narc comes back for more supply (and they will).
I think one of the important elements of healing is RISKING new normal relationships after the Narc. It forced me to take a look at all my issues and baggage. The first time, Normal Guy asked a question about the opposite sex, I was SURE he was going to go into a jealous tirade and try to force me to “prove” something. I remember sitting at the table, and DISTANCING myself from him. I shut down and explained to him that I needed to talk about it later, after I’d given some time to think about my response.
I felt trapped like a deer in headlights. It was a ‘flashback’ and MY response was going to be pivotal in whether I remained a permanent casualty of Narc’s crazy terrrorism of my mind or whether I used the experience to propel myself forward on my path to freedom.
The experience gave me something to think about and compare to however, and furthered my realization that I am healing. The narc experience is over. New normal experiences help us see how far we’ve come.
Another insight I’ve gained by allowing myself comparisons to the Narc terror, is that I now know after having given up my identity to Narc’s pathology that I WONT EVER DO THAT AGAIN. It feels really good to make the statement to Normal Guy, “I just need some “ME” time” and NOT feel guilty for saying it. Instead, I have the expectation that I deserve what I want and need to make ME happy and that is just as important as someone else’s happiness. I figure if anyone wants to deprive me of what I need to be happy that they don’t respect me. I don’t give my precious time and attention to anyone that thinks that low of me anymore.
“Relationships are not competitions. The equal playing field is a necessary element to even HAVE a relationship, let alone keep investing in one.“
I know it’s scary. I know we’ve been burnt, hurt, & driven mad. We can’t stay there forever. We shouldn’t. By denying ourselves experiences to further our healing, we are sending the message that we’re not worthy. That’s the whole reason we allowed ourselves to be drawn in by the psychopath. They seek out weak, vulnerable victims who can’t escape. Let’s take recovery full circle and move on to create NORMAL RELATIONSHIPS. It’s our declaration that we DESERVE IT!!!
Blessings,
NewLife
Good ole projection. I was at the receiving end of that crazy funhouse mirror nearly everyday for 3 years. The result of which, is that I ended up feeling like I was living in my XNarcs crazy head! I felt nauseous and confused.
He’d feel or behave in a way he didn’t want to accept about himself, and then heap them onto me.
He was married and cheating with me, so I was accused of cheating on him. It made no logical sense! Because I felt love towards narc I tried to put his feelings at ease. I figured if I acquiesed to his demands and fears, that he’d learn to trust me and stop the accusations.
Another way I knew the accusation was baseless, was that I hadn’t had a previous partner ever complain about the things he did with my behavior with men. Each other boyfriend I’d been in love with (3 or 4) had not ever brought that complaint up to me, so I instinctively doubted I was causing him to feel this way.
Being on the receiving end of projection but being helpless to asuage his cast off feelings, really left me feeling beleaguered, dejected, exhausted and cross wired. I couldn’t fix him. That in itself seemed to anger him. I could never ‘win’ with him. I couldn’t please him.
Substituting as a mirror to someone who detests themselves is scary. I knew his incessant complaints about MY unlovability was his own disease with himself. However, I continued to try in codependent fashion to ‘please’ him.
He projected onto me, HIS:
guilt, shame, cheating, lying, sneaking, insecurity, petty immaturity, drama addiction, chaotic thinking, instigating, vindictiveness, competitiveness, jealousy, his craziness…
My thought is that when anyone falsely accuses us of something we’re not doing, we want to defend ourselves. If we’re good natured, empathic people we’ll then set aside our selfish thoughts and tend to the feelings of those we love. Which only serves to intensify the devaluation by the narc. Narcs see the empathic as weak. Narcs dont regard another person, empathic or not with individuation, separate from themselves. The more loving an empath is, the more disregarded they’ll be. It’s completely backwards. That’s what life is with a narc: COMPLETELY BACKWARDS.
Narcs also do a reverse projection where they STEAL from us, traits they think are those of admirable people. As well, they feign victimhood for sake of attention rather than true relief from pain. The narc feels no pain. That’s the full circle of projection. Attempting to stay distant from feeling their feelings, narcs PROJECT them away – onto those close to them – the true victims. Once projected, they begin to see the victim as weak and all the negative traits they’ve cast onto them. Then feeling the beginning of “shame” for having anything to do with their “lowly victim” – They feel victimized – and begin the cycle all over again….
PROJECTING THEIR FEELINGS
-NL
It’s serene now. I’m on a great path!
A year ago, however My world was upside down. That’s because I was dating a narcissist. I ended the insanity on October 15, 2010. I didn’t realize I was involved with a narcissist until I was 4 months out of it!
After I ended the relationship with the “narc”, I needed to create a new life. It was almost as if I needed to rebuild a new identity.
Ive had my share of relationships; some good, some bad. Each one Ive been in, I’ve learned more about myself. I accept what Ive drawn into my life and am responsible for it. This last one was the WORST LIFE DEVASTATINGLY TORTUROUS relationship BY FAR. 3 years of having my very soul & identity vacuumed out of my body. I called it love, but my goodness only in hindsight have I been able to piece together and by clearly examining the things that happened, the actions, the realities, the crazy treatment; only NOW am I able to call it what it really was: A NARCISSISTICALLY ABUSIVE relationship.
To every victim of a narcissist’s abuse, I guarantee you will relate to this:
In the aftermath I was surrounded in fear and disbelief that I could ever have been involved with someone so evil, toxic, draining and confusing. It was as if I had been involved with Ted Bundy for 3 years, yet had no idea; then when learning the reality of “who” I was with, having that sense of relief, yet utter terror that somehow I escaped being one of his less fortunate victims.
What a wonderful learning journey this has been:
Understanding what makes that dangerous narcissist tick, identifying my own tendencies and the reasoning behind my being attracted to such a pathological person, paying attention to warning signs in others, changing my faulty thinking about love and relationships, and asserting appropriate boundaries and expectations of the way I deserve to be treated.
I’m so happy you’ve found your way here. I believe our lessons are not fully realized until we take what we’ve learned and assist those who are traveling our same path. Here I am, paving the way for you to absorb knowledge and feel validated through your darkest moments, as you learn how close you were to evil and sharing in your growth and freedom as you move on to a new life of Light & Love.
Blessings,
NL
Wisdom
