How far out of the relationship with the narc are you?
How many months of clarity do you have under your belt?
Congratulations! You must be feeling on balance, a great deal of peace and freedom!
Why are these experiences with Narcs so devastating and different from our more normal relationships? Do you think you could ever compare your former (normal) relationships to the one with Narc?
I can’t. I’ve made sure to go back and thank my former loves for being ‘NORMAL’. My breakups were not necessarily easy as cake; there was grieving and sadness and changes in routine, but NEVER the murderous hate and fear of evil I had in my heart after the Narc. There are two things I stated that were never said in the previous relationships as I did in the aftermath of healing from the N relationship:
1. I wanted bad things to happen to narc; really bad things. Not things I would do to him, but things I knew he would do to himself. He’s a pathetic failure when it comes to learning and growing from his own screw ups. It’s only a matter of time before I’ll have the opportunity to not only spit on his grave but laugh over it too. LOUDLY.
2. I’ve always wanted things to end well with my former loves; you know, as in one day be friends and take what was good in our relationship and value it. I like keeping my kharma clean. I like not burning bridges. I’ve lost too many important people in my life to untimely deaths that I value being able to say, “We’ve made our peace.” Not with the crazy Narc! I can honestly say, I NEVER want to speak to narc again and I do mean, he dies before there’s been any peace. He doesn’t deserve it. I feel best in this situation knowing that I’ll one day be going to heaven and he’ll be returning from whence he came, without 1 more word from me.
Harsh? ABSOLUTELY.
Here’s what I’ve learned about being able to not NEED that resolution with narc:
FORGIVENESS and LETTING GO are something we do for ourselves. We can heal and arrive at a place or resolution on our own. We don’t need narc to do it for us or with us. You know why? THEY NEVER WOULD ANYWAY. Don’t we KNOW this? Deep in our hearts, we know these psycopaths are incapable of ever really coming to us, and saying:
“Listen, I understand. I am disordered. I wreaked havoc in your life. I messed with your mind for my own selfishness. I am broken. Will you forgive me? I hope you move on and meet someone that treats you much better than I ever would have been capable”
Accepting the reality that the Narc is forever and irreparably broken FREES us. Frees us to not expect anything and finally not want anything; furthermore, never allowing a foot in, when the Narc comes back for more supply (and they will).
I think one of the important elements of healing is RISKING new normal relationships after the Narc. It forced me to take a look at all my issues and baggage. The first time, Normal Guy asked a question about the opposite sex, I was SURE he was going to go into a jealous tirade and try to force me to “prove” something. I remember sitting at the table, and DISTANCING myself from him. I shut down and explained to him that I needed to talk about it later, after I’d given some time to think about my response.
I felt trapped like a deer in headlights. It was a ‘flashback’ and MY response was going to be pivotal in whether I remained a permanent casualty of Narc’s crazy terrrorism of my mind or whether I used the experience to propel myself forward on my path to freedom.
The experience gave me something to think about and compare to however, and furthered my realization that I am healing. The narc experience is over. New normal experiences help us see how far we’ve come.
Another insight I’ve gained by allowing myself comparisons to the Narc terror, is that I now know after having given up my identity to Narc’s pathology that I WONT EVER DO THAT AGAIN. It feels really good to make the statement to Normal Guy, “I just need some “ME” time” and NOT feel guilty for saying it. Instead, I have the expectation that I deserve what I want and need to make ME happy and that is just as important as someone else’s happiness. I figure if anyone wants to deprive me of what I need to be happy that they don’t respect me. I don’t give my precious time and attention to anyone that thinks that low of me anymore.
“Relationships are not competitions. The equal playing field is a necessary element to even HAVE a relationship, let alone keep investing in one.“
I know it’s scary. I know we’ve been burnt, hurt, & driven mad. We can’t stay there forever. We shouldn’t. By denying ourselves experiences to further our healing, we are sending the message that we’re not worthy. That’s the whole reason we allowed ourselves to be drawn in by the psychopath. They seek out weak, vulnerable victims who can’t escape. Let’s take recovery full circle and move on to create NORMAL RELATIONSHIPS. It’s our declaration that we DESERVE IT!!!
Blessings,
NewLife
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