The most crazy-making thing about most of the narcissist’s claims is that YOU are doing exactly what THEY are doing. (Projection.) Have they just lied to you? you’re about to be called dishonest. Are they cheating you out of an opportunity? You’re going to get the finger pointed at you for being sneaky. you can’t say a word to them about something hurtful they have done, because that makes you an abuser – of them.
Good ole projection. I was at the receiving end of that crazy funhouse mirror nearly everyday for 3 years. The result of which, is that I ended up feeling like I was living in my XNarcs crazy head! I felt nauseous and confused.
He’d feel or behave in a way he didn’t want to accept about himself, and then heap them onto me.
He was married and cheating with me, so I was accused of cheating on him. It made no logical sense! Because I felt love towards narc I tried to put his feelings at ease. I figured if I acquiesed to his demands and fears, that he’d learn to trust me and stop the accusations.
Another way I knew the accusation was baseless, was that I hadn’t had a previous partner ever complain about the things he did with my behavior with men. Each other boyfriend I’d been in love with (3 or 4) had not ever brought that complaint up to me, so I instinctively doubted I was causing him to feel this way.
Being on the receiving end of projection but being helpless to asuage his cast off feelings, really left me feeling beleaguered, dejected, exhausted and cross wired. I couldn’t fix him. That in itself seemed to anger him. I could never ‘win’ with him. I couldn’t please him.
Substituting as a mirror to someone who detests themselves is scary. I knew his incessant complaints about MY unlovability was his own disease with himself. However, I continued to try in codependent fashion to ‘please’ him.
He projected onto me, HIS:
guilt, shame, cheating, lying, sneaking, insecurity, petty immaturity, drama addiction, chaotic thinking, instigating, vindictiveness, competitiveness, jealousy, his craziness…
My thought is that when anyone falsely accuses us of something we’re not doing, we want to defend ourselves. If we’re good natured, empathic people we’ll then set aside our selfish thoughts and tend to the feelings of those we love. Which only serves to intensify the devaluation by the narc. Narcs see the empathic as weak. Narcs dont regard another person, empathic or not with individuation, separate from themselves. The more loving an empath is, the more disregarded they’ll be. It’s completely backwards. That’s what life is with a narc: COMPLETELY BACKWARDS.
Narcs also do a reverse projection where they STEAL from us, traits they think are those of admirable people. As well, they feign victimhood for sake of attention rather than true relief from pain. The narc feels no pain. That’s the full circle of projection. Attempting to stay distant from feeling their feelings, narcs PROJECT them away – onto those close to them – the true victims. Once projected, they begin to see the victim as weak and all the negative traits they’ve cast onto them. Then feeling the beginning of “shame” for having anything to do with their “lowly victim” – They feel victimized – and begin the cycle all over again….
PROJECTING THEIR FEELINGS